A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's rest-room stall.
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.

He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished
the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but
never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the
rest-room. If you'd been one of the ladies in the rest-room that evening, this is what
you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the
potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what
are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom
when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they
all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl,
Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see
doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat
is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a
screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting
embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you
can find some candy. We"ll both have some!"

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this
point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making
me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!"

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed
the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: "OK.
There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that
those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone."

"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies!
Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off.

Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What
were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?"

More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He
started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want
to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door,
and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall,
all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment,
then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed
away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap
between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known
as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in
Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)